Faith's First Christmas
by susan19
Summary: Faith's First Christmas in Sunnydale


I'm here at the bar, I should be there with her, but I know she doesn't want me. This guy wants me, I couldn't care less about him, but it's nice to be wanted. I let him lead me to the dance floor. I catch her eye from across the room. She's not supposed to be here. I ignore her. I just want to dance. I move my body with his, letting her see what she's missing.

I dance with him but track her with my eyes. She's moving to the back, giving me a look like she wants me to follow. I don't question it, I push him away from him and ignore his whining for me to give him what he wants.

She's in one of the stalls, waiting for me. I enter and shut the door behind me, her eyes roam over my body, and she bites her lip. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe she does want me.

"What are you doing here, B?"

She smiles at me, her lower lip still caught between her teeth. I want that lip between mine. I move closer, but she steps back shaking her head. "You could have me if you wanted, you just have to ask the right question if you want to touch."

What the hell does that mean? Something is wrong, but I don't know what it is, I don't really care. The way she's looking at me, the way her body is writhing in front of me, I can tell she's aching for me to touch her. I want to help her with her ache.

I move closer, my face just inches from hers. I let my fingers ghost over her skin, not touching. I don't have permission to touch. I haven't figured out the question.

I whisper all the things I want to do to her, asking if I can do them, hoping one of those is the right question. She continues to writhe, I know she wants me to do all the nasty things I've offered, but I haven't said the right thing yet.

My body is shaking with desire, my legs are weak, and I drop to my knees. I ask her if I can taste her, I need to know what she tastes like. Giggling at me, she shakes her head. I almost cry from my want of her. I haven't been given permission, but I have to touch. I move forward to lean my cheek on her stomach, but instead of her soft warmth, I feel nothing. I pass right through her and hit the cold side of the stall.

I should have known this wasn't real. I must be drunk, but I don't remember drinking, I don't even remember how I got here.

I'm still kneeling on the bathroom floor when she calls to me again.

"Faith?"

"B?"

"What are you doing in there?"

"I don't know." I stand up and exit the stall, she's here again, wearing different clothes. A different expression on her face.

"Let me take you home?" She smiles at me, and I melt.

I don't understand what's happening, but I'll take anything she's offering. I nod, and she follows me out of the club. I lead her to my hotel room in silence, and she stands in the doorway. I don't know why she's here.

"Do you want to come in?" I offer, I don't know why. She shouldn't be here.

She nods and moves past me. I close the door, and when I turn around, she's taken off her clothes, standing there in her underwear with a strange look on her face. It's not the desire or want I saw earlier.

"What are you doing, B?"

"Giving you your Christmas present."

"But…" I know this isn't right, something isn't right. She wouldn't do this. I know that she wouldn't.

"You don't want it?" She smirks at me with her hands on her hips. She knows I want it. I can't resist. I move forward to touch her, but she backs away. She's laughing at me now. I'm angry, and I move quicker, trying to reach her before she can get away again. Somehow she's on the other side of the room, still laughing at me. Her laugh is full of hate. She hates me. I knew that she did. How could she not?

"You can't really think I'd ever give myself to you. That you could ever touch this?" She gestures to her body and laughs. "I know what you did, what you let them do to you. How could you think I'd ever let you touch me? I don't even want to be near you. You're dirty and rotten. You disgust me!" I launch myself at her, needing to destroy her. I pass right through and fall to the ground. Her taunting, hateful laugh surrounds me. I can't get away from it.

Now she's gone, and someone is knocking at the door. I look at it, but I don't understand.

"Faith? Are you in there?"

I open the door, "Buffy?" Another outfit, and another different expression on her face.

"I thought you were going to come by tonight." Her voice is soft and sad, disappointed.

"Oh.. I…" My legs give out, and her arms are around me. "Are you real?"

"What do you mean? Of course, I'm real."

"Oh.. you weren't before, I don't think. I couldn't touch." I press my fingers to her cheek, the contact scares me, and I pull my hand back.

"What are you talking about?"

She helps me to stand, but my legs are too weak to support me. I drop back to the floor.

"What's wrong, Faith? Let me help you."

"No no no." I shake my head and try to crawl away from her. "You don't want me. You don't want to help me."

"Of course I do, tell me what's wrong."

"No, you don't! You can't. I'm dirty. I'm not good enough!"

Her eyes widen, and she backs away. "What happened? Please tell me what's wrong."

"You told me I was dirty, you know what I did, and you don't want me."

"When did I tell you that?"

"Earlier, just before you came in."

"I wasn't here, how could I have told you that if I wasn't here?"

"I don't…" My head hurts, she's looking at me with pity, and I don't like it. She doesn't want me, why is she even here? She moves closer and grabs my hands.

"It wasn't me, I don't know what you saw, but it wasn't me. I would never say you were dirty or that I didn't want you around."

"Oh." It's not quite right. It's not what I need to hear.

"Let me help you, get comfortable, and I'll call Giles, maybe he knows what's doing this to you."

She helps me further into the bed, gently pulling off my boots and moving the blankets so I can lay down.

"I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere." She leaves, but I don't know where she went.

"Faith?"

"Mom?" My mother is at the end of the bed, but that can't be right. I saw her die. I held her lifeless body in my arms.

"What are you doing Faith?"

"I don't know."

"Why are you letting her help you?"

"She wants to help me."

"No, she doesn't. She feels bad for you. You are broken and dirty, and she just feels bad. She doesn't like you, doesn't want you."

"But.."

"But nothing, Faith. You're using her. It's only going to get her hurt. If you care about her at all, you will leave. You don't belong here."

The door opens, and B is back in the room with me. I'm on my feet, and outside in a second. I run as fast as I can. I don't know where I'm going. I see my mother's face on every person I pass. She's cheering me on, telling me this is the right thing to do. I run blindly, and I fall. My head hits something, and I can't open my eyes to look at where I am. The ground is cold. It seeps into my skin. I beg for the cold to take me.

I'm being turned over, warm hands scorching everywhere they touch. "Faith?"

It's B again, how did she find me? Where am I? I keep my eyes closed and shake my head. She picks me up and carries me somewhere warm.

"What happened to her?" A woman's voice. Joyce maybe? Am I at her house?

"I don't know. Something is making her crazy. Giles thinks he knows what it is. He'll be here soon." She brought me to her house, why would she do that?

"She's bleeding. She needs first aid."

"Yeah." B sighs and I'm being carried again. She sits me on something cold and begins cleaning my wounds. My feet were bare, and now that they're thawing, they're starting to hurt. "Faith, please tell me what happened." Her voice is soft, and I can't deny her anything.

"She said I could have her. Then she said I couldn't. She laughed at me, told me I was dirty."

"Who did?"

"You."

"No, Faith I didn't tell you any of those things. I promise."

"She looked like you."

"Did she feel like me?"

"She wouldn't let me touch, when I tried I couldn't."

"See, that wasn't me. You can feel me. I'm real, and I'm right here, and I would never say you were dirty or that I didn't want you." Her hands are on mine. They're warm, soft and perfect.

"You want me?" I reach for her, wanting to show her how much I want her.

"Not like that, Faith. Not when you're like this." She gently pushes my hands away.

"Oh."

"We'll get you better and then we can talk about it. Ok?"

"Ok." It's not ok. Nothing is ok.

"Can you open your eyes for me?"

I haven't opened my eyes since I fell. I'm too afraid of what I might see. I shake my head.

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

There is something she can do, but I don't think she wants to do it. I shake my head no again.

"Let's get you back downstairs. Giles will be here soon with answers."

I stand, but the pain in my feet makes me whimper. She scoops me up again and carries me. I bury my face in her shoulder. She's being so nice, I want to repay her. I kiss over her neck and slide my hand into the top of her shirt. Her skin is so soft. I want to taste every inch of it.

"What are you doing?"

"Repaying you for helping me."

"You don't have to do that."

"I want to. I can make you feel so good. Like you're making me feel. Please, let me make you feel good." I can tell she's responding to what I'm doing. I know that she likes it.

"No, Faith. Not like this. You don't owe me anything. Please stop."

Another trick, I knew she didn't want me! I thrash in her arms, and she's forced to drop me. I crawl away on my hands and knees, and she doesn't stop me. I mostly fall down the stairs and crash into the door, trying to get to my feet to escape.

"Please, stop. Don't run away. Let me help you." Her hands are on me again, she trying to restrain me. I keep thrashing. I might have hit her, I hear her gasp.

"No no no. I didn't mean to!" I crawl away from her again, now there is a knocking on the door.

"Giles? Please help, she needs help." Buffy is crying, and it's my fault. I hurt her. I have to get away. I try to slip past them to get outside, but I still can't open my eyes, and I'm too slow on my hands and knees.

"I think we should restrain her. You need to go stop this ritual. I won't be able to keep her here alone."

She's grabbing me again, this time I don't fight, I won't risk hitting her again. She carries me into the basement, cold metal clamps onto my wrists. I'm chained to something, and I can barely move.

"What's doing this to her?"

"I believe it's the first evil. His harbingers are performing a ritual to free it. I don't know why it's torturing Faith."

"She said it was me doing it." Buffy sounds so sad. Why am I doing this to her?

"It can appear as any person who had died. But it can't touch anything."

She's in front of me again, holding my hands in hers. "Did you hear that? It wasn't me. I have to go, if you see me again, don't listen unless I can touch you."

She wants to touch me, I get excited and pull her hands to my body, wanting to show her where she can touch. She stops me, "not like that. Just feel my hands on yours. Can you feel my hands?"

I focus on her hands and try to hear what she said. "I can feel them. I won't listen unless I can feel them."

"Good, I'll be back as soon as I can. Wait until you can feel my hands on yours."

Then I'm alone, or someone is still here, maybe Giles. I hear him shuffling around. It'd be easier if I could open my eyes, but I don't want to see.

I think he left. I'm all alone.

"Faith? I'm back."

"B?"

"Yeah, Faith. It's me."

"Where are you, I don't feel you." I reach out with my hands, hoping she'll be there, but she isn't.

"Open your eyes and see what you've done."

"What… no, I don't want to. You said I shouldn't listen. I won't listen." I squeeze my eyes shut even tighter, I try to cover my ears, but my hands can't reach.

"You have to listen. It's too late. I went to save you, and now it's too late."

"No!"

"Open your eyes." Her voice is close and soft. I can't resist it. I open them.

She's covered in blood. Her face, her chest, her arms, and legs. Blood everywhere. I press myself hard against the wall and shake.

"You did this to me!"

"No no no. B wouldn't lose, she wouldn't!"

"But I did lose, Faith. All because of you!" Her voice cuts right through me.

It has to stop. I need it to stop. I can barely move the way I'm restrained. I smash my head into the wall behind me as hard as I can.

"What happened?! I told you not to leave her alone!" B is back, she's holding me. I can feel her.

"Not dead?"

"No Faith, you're not dead."

"No, you, you're not dead. You said you were dead."

"I'm not dead either. I stopped what they were doing. You shouldn't see me anymore. Well the dead me. You'll see plenty of the alive me." She smiles at me and rubs my cheek. I close my eyes again and lean into her touch.

Xxxxxx

What the hell? Where am I? Why can't I move my... anything?

"Faith?"

"What happened?" B's holding my hand and looking down at me like she's never looked at me before. I'd pull my hand away from hers, but I can't move enough to do that.

"What do you remember?"

If I could remember, I wouldn't ask what happened. I somehow manage not to say that and instead try to think of the last thing I remember.

"It was Christmas. I was on my way to see you."

"You were?" She looks shocked, guess I can't blame her for not expecting me to show up.

"Yeah... I was heading over there... But I saw someone."

Who did I see? My watcher? My mother? A stream of dead people that I failed to save? The memories flash before my eyes. Not just faces, but whole people. Yelling at me, blaming me for their deaths. Telling me over and over that I failed, that I didn't deserve to be the slayer. My stomach churns at the memory.

"Someone dead?"

"How did you know that?"

"The First Evil was torturing you, but I was able to stop it."

I try not to scowl. Does she expect me to thank her? Of course, the golden slayer saved the day for the second-rate slayer. Just more proof of how much better than me she is.

"Why am I here and all tied up if you stopped it?"

"You kept fighting with the doctors who were trying to examine you." She looked away and swallowed, "you were trying to hurt yourself."

"Why would I do that?"

"I don't know exactly. The first must have been trying to drive you to hurt or maybe kill yourself."

"Oh." I look down at our hands in confusion. Why is she holding my hand? She seems to notice that I noticed and she releases her hold, frowning as she backs away.

"Sorry, when you were… confused, the only way to keep you calm was to touch your hand. The first couldn't be touched. So that's the only way I could prove it was actually me."

"Oh, so it was taunting me with you?" Of course, it would use her to torture me. As if just being in the same town in her isn't torture enough. I don't know why I haven't left this stupid town. I've got nothing keeping me here.

"Yeah, I guess so. I don't know what it was saying to you. I never saw it happen."

I have to get the hell out of here. I can't stand the way she's looking at me. I can't stand the thought of what I must have said to her.

"How much longer do I have to stay here?"

"I'll get the doctor, now that you're awake and OK, it should be soon."

She looks at my hand like she wants to touch it again. She doesn't though, she just gives me a strange smile and leaves.

xxxx

She offers to walk me home, I say I'm fine and don't need her to. She asks if I want to hang out later, I say sure but don't agree to any particular time. I don't remember what happened, but I must have said or done something to her. She's looking at me differently. She saw me broken down, she saw me weak. I can't have that.

It's been a week since I've spoken to her. I moved rooms so she can't find me, but I see her come to my old door and knock. She looks sad and confused. I don't mean to hurt her, but I don't understand what she wants from me. We've seen each other from a distance during patrol. I always run off as soon as I notice her. She calls to me, but I run. I don't want her pity. I don't want to even think about what happened when I was crazed.

Two weeks have gone by, she comes to my room every day, sometimes twice. "Please talk to me." I hear her plea to the empty room. She's crying and slides to the ground in front of the door. "Why won't you talk to me?"

Hearing her cry is making my heart ache. I have to get away. My new room isn't that far away from the old one. She'll see me, but I think I can get away. I quietly exit, and she notices me instantly but doesn't stand. Our eyes meet, and my heart stops, I back down the hallway ready to turn and run when I think she's going to stand. She doesn't though. She drops her head and covers her hands with her face, crying even harder.

What did I do to her? Why does she even want to talk to me? Before this, we went weeks without talking all the time. She only ever tracked me down when she needed me for something.

I stand at the end of the hallway watching her. Eventually, she curls into a ball laying on her side against the door. She's hurting, and I hurt her, I have to try to fix it. Before I realize it, I've scooped her into my arms and am carrying her back to my room. Her only response is to curl into a tighter ball.

I place her on the bed and sit on the floor in front of her. Her eyes are open, but I'm not sure she can see me.

"Do you remember what happened?"

I shake my head no, but it's a lie. I didn't at first, but I remember everything now. She frowns and turns away from me.

"Why are you avoiding me?"

"I'm not, it's not like we're friends or hung out all the time before." I'm not trying to be mean. It's just the truth. She never wanted me around, and I wasn't about to force myself into her world.

She composes herself and sits up, wiping the tears from her face. "Right, it's not like that. Guess I'll see you around, or not." She heads towards the door. I can't just let her go. I didn't fix anything.

"What do you want from me?"

"I don't want anything from you."

"Yeah right. You saw me weak and broken and you rescued me, now you think you're my hero, and I owe you something."

"That's not even close to true. And I thought you didn't remember?" She narrows her eyes at me. I expect to see fury in her eyes, but she looks more hurt than angry.

I scowl and cross my arms over my chest. "I don't."

"I never thought for a second that you owed me anything."

"Then why are you here!? What do you want from me?"

"I told you, I don't want anything."

"That's bullshit. You want what everyone wants from me." I move closer to her and put my hands on her hips. She tries to back away, but I won't let her go. "I know you liked it. You wanted what I was offering you."

She pushes me away, and I laugh. "Whether I wanted it or not it doesn't matter. I didn't take it. I can't believe I thought for a second that you actually liked me…that maybe..." She shakes her head and reaches for the door.

I grab her before she can escape. "What do you mean?"

She scowls at me, I've never seen her so angry. "It doesn't matter! You think I'm just some uptight bitch who isn't worth your time. So what's the point?" She shoves me, hard. I wasn't ready, and I crashed into the wall. She's gone before I can stop her.

Is she saying what I think she's saying? There's no way she likes me or wants anything to do with me. How could she? I have to find out though, what if I'm wrong? I chase after her, but I can't find her. I wait outside her window, but she never comes home. I wonder if she's with Angel. It's a bad idea, but I need to see. If they're together, then I'll know she's just messing with me.

I watch them through the window, he's holding her, and I turn to leave. Then I hear that she's sobbing. I turn back and see her face. It's covered in pain and sadness. Is this my fault? How can I be upsetting her this much?

He sees me through the window. I can't quite read his eyes. He nods at me to come in, I back away. He scowls at me and looks away.

What am I doing? Why am I hurting her like this? I want to run, but my legs won't move.

"Faith?"

I look up at him, and I don't know what to do. "What do I do?"

"I don't know. You should talk to her."

"I don't want to hurt her." I frown, I know that it's true. But I don't think I know how not to hurt her. It's all I do. It's what I'm built for.

"Then don't." He makes it sound easy, but he doesn't know anything about me. Maybe I can explain it to her, explain that I'd only destroy her. Or we'd destroy each other. There is no happy ending for us.

"Why would you want to help me with this?"

"She's not mine anymore, she never really was. You're all she talks about."

"She told you what happened on Christmas?" I scowl, ready to bolt. The last thing I need is someone else knowing how crazy I was.

"Not really, but even before that. As soon I came back you're all she would talk about."

This can't be real, this doesn't make any sense, "I don't understand."

"I don't think it's something that can be understood." He motions for me to come inside, I look away into the night and sigh. If I go in there, it changes everything.

I can see her curled on the couch. I have to find a way to end this.

"B?" She stiffens but doesn't look up. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I don't know what it is that you think… but if you're upset about me, I promise that I'm not worth you being upset over."

She starts to move, slowly bringing herself to stand before me. Her eyes are red, not just from crying but now they are filled with fury. "You don't know anything about me. All I do is hurt people. It's all I know how to do."

Suddenly I'm on the ground, my head ringing. I touch my jaw and wonder if it might be broken.

"Buffy! What are you doing?" Angel is between us, trying to stop her from getting any closer.

"Get out of here, Angel." She doesn't look at him, her teeth are clenched, and her fists are balled.

"Don't do this." Angel is trying to keep her away from me. I scramble away as quickly as I can.

"What do you think I'm planning on doing?"

"You've already done enough, whatever's next can't be good. She hasn't done anything to deserve this."

"Ripping my heart into tiny pieces isn't enough?"

What? When did I do that? I don't remember doing anything like that.

"B? I didn't…"

She's shoved Angel out of the way and grabbed me, holding me up. "Do you remember or not?"

I thought I did, but maybe I missed something. "I was acting crazy, I wouldn't stop coming on to you, and then I smashed my head. That's what I remember."

Her face softens, and she lets me go. "You don't remember." Fresh tears form and she turns to walk away.

I try to follow her, but she runs, I keep pace with her. It takes a long time, but I finally catch up. I grab her arm and turn her towards me. Not letting go as she struggles to pull away.

"Tell me what happened? What did I do?"

"It doesn't matter. It wasn't real. Just let me go."

"No, please tell me. What did I do to you? I never wanted to hurt you."

She looks at me, searching for something. Whatever she was looking for I don't think she found it. She pulls herself out of my grip but doesn't run. "You just said some things, when you came to after smashing your head. I thought it meant something, but it must have just been residual craziness. It's fine, we're fine. We can just go back to the way things were."

The way things were kinda sucked, I don't really want that. I don't want this either though.

"I'm sorry I hit you." Her voice is so sad, and she slowly reaches her hand to touch my bruised jaw. I close my eyes waiting for the contact. It never comes. When I open my eyes again, she's gone. I don't chase her this time. I don't even know which direction she went in. I just head back to my hotel room.

I flop on the bed and stare at the ceiling and try to remember what I could have said or done to her to upset her so much.

I was chained to the wall, her hand was on my cheek... And… shit… I spilled my guts. I told her everything. I told her how incredible I thought she was. I told her that I couldn't stop thinking about her. I told her I wanted to take her out on dates and hold her hand. I wanted to wake up with her in my arms. I told her I loved her.

The last thing I heard before I passed out again was her whispering. "Me too."

Fuck!

I'm outside her window, she's pretending to be asleep, but I know she's not. The window is slightly open, and I climb in.

She rolls over and looks at me. Her eyes red and puffy from crying.

"What are you doing here?" Her voice is so unbelievably broken. I don't understand how anything to do with me could have this effect on her.

"I'm so sorry I said those things to you. I…"

"DId you mean what you said?"

"It doesn't matter if I meant it. We can't. I can't." Why did I even come in here? There's no way this is going to make anything better. I should have just run away.

"Why not?" She's standing now, wearing a tight tank top and tiny shorts. I have to stay focused and not let my eyes roam over her body.

"You can't mean this. You've been avoiding me since I got here."

Buffy frowned a little, "I was afraid. Afraid of what I felt for you. Afraid that you wouldn't want me."

"And you're not afraid anymore?"

"I'm terrified. When you told me those things. I thought… I hoped that it meant something. That you felt the same way."

"This is crazy! I'm not good enough for you. You don't know who I am, what I've done."

She closer now, I can smell her. I should have realized it wasn't her before. Her scent has always driven me wild.

"What makes you think I'm any better than you? You have no idea what I've done." She looks me over and seems to make a decision. "I lived on the streets for three months in LA. Do you think I survived that without having to do things I'm not proud of? Things that make me cringe if I remember them?"

I back away from her and she frowns.

"I should have realized you didn't mean the things you said. There's no way you could want me."

I can't believe she thinks I don't want her. Why can't I seem to tell her she's wrong?

"You should go. I won't bother you anymore."

She's standing with her arms wrapped around her stomach, staring at the floor. I move closer to her, and she stiffens. I reach for her chin and gently raise her face, so she has to look at me. Even with tears in her eyes and a face puffy from crying she's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. "I meant every word of what I said."

A smile is starting to form and then she shakes her head and pulls away from me. "No, you didn't."

I reach for her again, grabbing her more roughly this time. "Why do you think I stayed in this stupid town?! Do you think I like living in that shit motel, just waiting for whatever scraps you decide to throw me? I could go anywhere, be anything, instead I sit around waiting for you."

"You always made it sound like you were having fun, that we were bothering you when I asked for your help."

"Yeah, well... Sometimes I lie. I'm not lying now, not about this. You said things could go back to the way they were, but they can't. After all this… either you believe me or I'm gone. I can't be this close to you anymore. I can't keep waiting on your scraps."

I let her go and step back.

"What happens if I do believe you?"

"I have no idea." I laugh, and so does she.

She smiles sadly and gently runs her fingertips over my jaw, "I shouldn't have punched you."

"S'ok B. I deserved it."

"No, you really didn't. Nobody deserves that, and I'm sorry."

"Seems like maybe we make each other kinda crazy." I'm beginning to wonder how good of an idea any of this is. I take a step back, and she follows me, not letting me put any distance between us.

"Only because we've been hiding from each other."

"What is everyone else going to think?"

"Don't really care." She's looking into my eyes like she really sees me. It's comforting and terrifying at the same time.

"You say that now, but is your mom going to let you spend time with me? What about your friends?"

She tugs on my arm until I sit with her on her bed. "I told my mom before Christmas. Then when I was so upset after Christmas, I kinda ended up telling everyone else how I felt too."

I can't believe she already told everyone how she feels about me. "What about Angel?"

"What about him? He's the first one I told."

"Yeah… but you were with him tonight. And you love him."

She sighs and shakes her head, "we'll always have a connection. But I don't love him. After what happened… I'd never go back to him."

I stand up from the bed and begin to pace, "you hid him. You lied about him to everyone. You expect me to just believe that you don't want to be with him?"

"I lied about you for a while too. Does that help?" She gives me a little smirk, and I can't help but laugh.

"I'm not sure which of our points that proves."

"I'm positive it proves mine." She approaches me and reaches for my hands. I'm not sure who I'm trying to kid - pretending like I can resist her.


End file.
